I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.