“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Dance like you’re not the father
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.