12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
repaired
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Welcome to the stomach
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
But that’s none of my business
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.