*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*jingles half the way*
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”