I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.