Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far