ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.