GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk