God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table