My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
A French press is when you hug naked
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”