My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My first child will be named New Folder.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me