“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
🤣🤣🤣
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.