Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.