Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing