I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
bro what is going on at twitter
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If only
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.