This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.