During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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Found the job I’m suited for
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.