Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.