when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me :
All Day At Night
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The options really are this bad
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.