I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I don’t think my car can fly
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.