Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg