I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.