*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
You got this…
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*shrugs*
*swipes right*