Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
It’s the weekend y’all
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.