No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I鈥檓 standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we鈥檙e both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I once spent some time with my grandson鈥檚 second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Her: MOM! C鈥橫ERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
6:00am: I鈥檒l go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I鈥檒l go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I鈥檒l go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I鈥檒l go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald鈥檚 open
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they鈥檒l find the victim鈥檚 DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It鈥檚 been comedy and chaos ever since 馃槀.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I鈥檓 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!