so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
How to woo a woman
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.