Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Bike for sale
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.