cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
doing your own taxes
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.