Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
that wasn’t the question
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
cat vs inanimate object
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.