I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
🤣😈🤣
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.