I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
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Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.