[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Weirdly Wednesday.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”