Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
😂😂😂
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.