[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Bread puns are on the rise!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*