A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?