72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
i will not be silenced
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it