This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.