The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.