Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.