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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.