My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
It do be feeling this way.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
A man of commitment.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people