70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate