A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You Might Also Like
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
nice challenge
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Look at this
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?