Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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found my next D&D character name
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.