Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Lube but for my dry humor.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me