It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
😂😂😂
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT