@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce