People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair