Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.