If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
May never get over this
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m Sold!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.